Happy New Year!

See ya, two-thousand-rhyme... hello two-thousand-men!

I don't know about you guys, but we're kickin it out with a zombie marathon right now.  Our selections?

• Fido
• Diary of the Dead
• Dead Girl
• Dance of the Dead
• Night of the Living Dead
• Return of the Living Dead
  

Reviews coming soon!

28 Days Later

28 Days Later (2002) follows the journey of Jim, a young bike messenger who has just awoken from a coma to find Britain in shambles after a (quasi) zombie revolution (boy did he miss out).  He soon finds himself a small troupe of survivors and sets out to try and find refuge, some answers, and maybe a cure.  Now, before we give these guys the dignified title of a true zombie, let's take stock:

• the disease is an intense and contagious form of rage developed by scientists (it's always our own fault)
• it is spread through bodily fluids (one drop is enough) and takes effect almost instantly
• the infected do not die, or even lose motor skills (aside from a serious tick)
• it is unclear if the infected eat people or just want to rip 'em up

RB:  Although it may not be an out and out zombie movie, I have a special place in my heart for this movie.  Possibly it has to do with:

1. It's beautiful to look at.  The cinematography is awesome.  The colors, the film quality.  Love, love, love.
2. Cillian Murphy is beautiful.
3. I like pretty much anything like zombies.

I think it's really interesting to come into the story after the attack.  Possibly the creepiest part of the movie is when Jim wakes up in an abandoned motherfucking hospital and a seemingly abandoned world.  What a crappy morning.

BR:  Agreed.  It's refreshing to skip over most of the outbreak and get on with a more apocalyptic view.  The whole "rage" thing felt a little cheesy to me, but I liked the red eyes.  On the other hand, I hated seeing the infected run.  I can accept that they're not really zombies and all - but the twitching and stumbling priest clawing forward while hacking and choking was so much more terrifying than the ones running (and then giving up - WTF?!) in the tunnel scene.

RB:  I also give the red eyes an A+.  Very scary.  But this particular brand of infection is really confusing.  Maybe I just don't really understand Rage but some infected are almost superhuman in their movements but give up fairly easily, some are almost completely non-functional, and some are all I AM LEGEND on their asses.  However, given a little more explanation, this might be a pretty representation of what it means to be infected.

The movie's commentary on humans is also a huge part of what makes this movie good.  Just starting with the fact that we engineered this virus that wreaked havoc - we made the mess we couldn't clean up - makes it seem that the movie has taken a fairly cynical view of human nature.  Jim encounters people who are handling the outbreak in any number of ways, but I'd say about eighty percent of the time people are painted as self-serving and totally self-centered, to a fairly appalling level.  But it also seems that Jim has a choice to make, coming into the situation cold - how do you act if you're one of the last people on Earth?

BR:  I do think the movie leaves a lot of questions to be answered, but does it in a pretty classy way.  While I left it wanting more information (and not everything is clearly resolved), the story didn't feel incomplete.  It also didn't give off a cheap air of we-made-this-so-we-could-make-5-more-and-get-$$$.  I have a satisfied and curious feeling that I hope the sequel(s) uphold.

I also see what you're saying about the survivors.  Each character seemed to offer a different approach to living in a post-apocalyptic environment.  The black bitch (PS - are all black British chicks both annoying and hot, or is it just a movie thing?) starts off with a "fuck you/do what you gotta do" 'tude, but the father-daughter duo remind us what makes us different from the infected and what makes the fight worth it.

RB:  I don't know if it clears anything up because I'm pretty sure I've only seen them in movies, but I'm pretty sure that black British chicks are both unbelievably annoying and devastatingly hot, almost to a fault.

BR:  We'll have to see how things pan out in 28 Weeks Later (and possibly 28 Months Later?!), but we're definitely invested.  Considering our bias against "infected," we have to give this one a gold star sticker (except for that ending - detached, nonsensical, and chipper - blech!).

Cemetery Man

Cemetery Man (1994) is set in the small town of Buffalora in northern Italy, where Francesco Dellamore Dellamorte watches over the local cemetery with some help from his faithful yet bumbling sidekick Gnaghi.  The two of them must deal with the not-so-peacefully dead, of which the rest of the town is unaware.  Luckily, sending the dead back requires but a quick gunshot or shovel to the head, a task Francesco has accepted as part of his nightly grind - until he meets a mysterious and bangin-hot widow and falls in love.  From here on out it's a trip filled with zombies, unsatisfied love, and gore, with some pondering moments thrown in for extra flavor.

BR:  First things first.  A moment of silence for Rupert Everett, pre-plastic surgery:

Alright, on to the film.  This one is a personal favorite.  Definitely not for fans of a hearty plot - this one is more like a free association on zombies, death, and pepperoni nipples that just keep comin back for more.  I love the feel of it (slow paced and creepy) and Francesco's 'tude (undaunted but losin it), and while it is a tad long, it delivers a great WTF ending.  And death himself makes a sweet cameo.

RB:  WTF is probably the first thing I'd say. And repeat.  I don't really know what happened in this movie but I don't think anyone does, including the director AND I think that's what they meant to happen.  Possibly it makes sense if you do a bunch of coke.  Probably, actually.  However, I would like to give several standing ovations to: the beautiful blonde bitch who plays 3 different ladies who all prove that no clothes is always better than clothes and that it's cool to be okay with pepperoni nips, Rupert Everett's ass, Rupert Everett, aaand renegade zombie mayors.

This movie was not so creepy to me but I'm very into the fact that this movie doesn't give a shit at any point.  Also, this is the first movie I've ever seen where I wasn't totally irritated by the action movie-esque one-liners.

Basically, this movie started with WTF and took it all the way to the motherfuckin bank.  And that's awesome.

BR:  (You're right, creepy isn't really the word for this one)  I think the only beef I have is the fact that they established a rule and quickly broke it without much concern.  In the beginning, the dead come back seven days after their death, but the timing soon becomes irregular without much reason or reaction.

RB:  I think the director of this movie would punch you in the face for paying that much attention.  Clearly that's only an issue before pepperoni nips.  No beef there, son.

BR:  Fair enough.  Let's move on to the zombies (I hope you don't think we've moved on from the pepperoni though).  We've got a wide variety here - some chompy boy scouts, a flying (and talking?!) head, a branchy-moldy biddy - and they all rule.  I also liked that they didn't just bring out a fear of death, but Francesco's confusion between life, love, and death and his desire for the latter.

RB:  I do appreciate that they pulled out all the stops zombie-wise.  Variety is the spice of living death!  Well, that and titties.

BR:  In conclusion, Cemetery Man is the movie you want if you've found yourself pondering some of the deeper mysteries of zombie-dom, or if you're looking to see almost all of hot 90's Rupert Everett and huge boobs (and nips!), or if you're on coke.  And if you fit into all three categories, you should pick yourself up a trophy on the way.  Preferably one involving a cowboy hat and/or butterflies (you butterfly wrangler, you!).

Correct: Zombie Princesses

Is Cinderella wielding a meat-stick?  And is Aladdin sporting a fanny pack?  I'm not really sure where this came from, but gold stars to you.

PS - I'm pretending the 7th one is Snow White, because fuck Esmeralda.

Elvira

Dear Hulu,

Wait....really?  The Search for the Next Elvira?  I'm not sure how I stumbled across this, or how it stumbled out of my subconscious for that matter. But a reality show in which contestants compete to uphold the name of Elvira?  Fox Reality went there.  Here's what's awesome:

1. The panel of judges consists of the Mistress of the Dark and her two Man-Viras...  Is that a thing?  Should I start scouting for my own pair?

2. There are four episodes.  Not like, four episodes thus far, or four episodes before they pulled it.  No.  Four episodes.  In to-to.
   

3. This shit is cheap - in every capacity of the word.  Crappy special effects, and boobs out the wazoo.  And some bad face.

4. Pun-loaded.  To the point where even I started to feel nauseated by boob puns.  It takes skill.

5. This haiku I just wrote about it:

Hulu, Elvira

Just what are we searching for?

And what is the prize?

Because I'm also not really sure what the winner won.

Love,

Brian Reignbow

Friend: CASCADA

Where did this bitch come from?!?! (Germany, that's where).  I don't even really care about her new songs.  Let's focus on the covers here.



Bust it out in the library?  YES.  It's my fucking dream.  Watch out for the asian and the janitor!  DAYUM.  Just smart....and this bitch does not play nice - just look at her messin with that card catalog!  That's for serious, folks.




Patti Smith cover?!?!  GENIUS. And does anyone else feel crazy about that kick?  CUZ WE ARE ON A MISSION.  A mission involving cheap green screening.  The other day I was running late, so I put this on and mothafuckin speed walked to my death.  I was tempted to pump my fist whilst charging.

I resisted.

Cascada, you are a true friend.

Love,
Brian Reignbow

Saturday Cartoons!!

Dear Hulu,

I have written a haiku in your honor:

Hulu, oh Hulu
Sweet Jesus - Iloveyouso...
Hulu, my Hulu

I will also dedicate a few posts to the unknowable depths of your trashiness.  Most recently, I stumbled across The New Yorker's series of animated cartoons.  I spent far too long watching these...





Hit the jump for five more of my favs.


Love,
Brian Reignbow

Into it: Zombie Wars

Apparently, starwars.com may or may not have hosted a zombie week (guess who they didn't call...).  Matt  Busch's work has since been floating around the internet, and is well worth checkin out.  As you can see:

He killed it.  Love the skeletal, toothy look.  And that Queen Amadala doesn't decay, but gets progressively more bloody.  Smart.